I'll bury my sadness and inevitably bury my passion for that sadness. I'm up against a battle I cannot win. I'm up against an unbeatable force; its name is existence. Ernst Haeckle believed that evolution was a constant movement toward perfection. I thought progression was a guaranteed perfection. Natural Selection's requirements are that a species merely work in it's environment not necessarily work well. Maybe the same can be said for populations as well. My dispute would be a human's incredible knowledge of the environment and the capability to change it drastically. We are conscious beings who choose apathy and disregard. I'd say the world doesn't give a fuck about us but for the sake of this fairytale life I will remain in character and instead say that the world doesn't give a fuck about me. I deal with hardship and pain that others cannot and will not understand until they have experienced it. Sure I could tell you through communication how I feel but words are labels and labels bring organization and an unfortunate limitation. So I'll keep my text book responses to myself for now and stick to my solitude but know and remember who I am what I am and what I will be. I come with many flaws but I have a gift. That gift is my endless curiosity of "why?" I won't stop and one day like years from now I will reveal my life's work like Darwin did. I will live in fear of crucifixion. All I can think about is how sad John Lennon felt before he died. How moving and passionate Dr. MLK's last speech was. I won't be so nice. I'm going to ambush the world with my ideas. Consider me an observer. I will watch the world deteriorate and at the last second spring up and say what needs to be said. God is nature and nature requires us to just get by. Nobody wants or plans to be a martyr and I doubt any of them are satisfied with the fact that it took their life to make a difference. The world does not speak ill of the dead. Why not they will speak ill of the living until they have killed someone but when it happens the popular consensus is "he/she was genius." All saints are dead. How depressing to know that I will never know. I am merely a cog in an ever ticking clock and I don't know why I turn.

This Autumn has been interesting. If you had told me in July where I was going to be right now I'd probably tell you that you didn't know me very well. Now I tell myself that. Life isn't exciting because it throws curve balls at you... It's exciting because you don't ever really know yourself until the incredible moment of now is born.

Cabin fever is a remedy for shit life right now. It's better than chemotherapy. Tell me this is worth it!

Midnight on a beach on the Mediterranean
and I miss you,
even here taking it all in.
The sand, silvered, carries the moon
on its shoulders.
Is it possible to put this night to tune
and move it to you?

Don't cry, I'll bring this home to you
if I can make this night light enough to move.

Cargo ships move by
tracing on the horizon line.
There's a luster from the city lights
on the waves that kiss our feet
and we're thinking of going in,
the time's getting thin.

This is a city for not sleeping
and the clocks are set by feel.
At this moment from where I sit,
none of it seems real.

-Minus The Bear

Out in the wild things were tough. Day to day was not such a certainty as it usually is. We imagine nature as some force that we should learn to live with... and I agree to some extent. But while I was out there I learned how cruel or blessed mother nature can be.

I cursed nature many times. I would shout randomly to keep the moral of the crew high, but I would also shout to release my frustration and strife. Nature is a mean force and we were at it's whim. Nature is an animal that will provide just as easily as it will strike. I became very grateful for the gift of shelter, food, and water on this trip because these were things that were not always easy to come by or ever in abundance.

I know every outdoors man will tell you things like "ain't no supermarket in the woods" but you don't realize it until your immersed in it.

There was no soap to clean my hands or body with for three days. After a while you got used to it. I still remember my first shower back at the Hostel. It was not by any means a Holiday Inn but it sure felt like it. As I was washing all the dirt off of my tarnished body I could see the puddle beneath my feet foggy with mountain dust. When finished I felt like I had brand new skin, and I realized that maybe in some metaphysical way I did. I had brand new skin, and I was now different because of that... I had changed.

Despite the physical and emotional suffering I endured I gained so much from that trip. I learned the importance of: keeping this planet clean, community, and of true beauty. I knew that the steeper the mountain incline and the longer it took to conquer it only meant that there was going to be a spectacular view at the top.

I made the crew stop at every one of those points even if only for a minute.

I also learned how to accept failure and to keep moving through the toughest times. The first day we hiked for miles searching for water but everywhere we stopped was dried up from drought. At the top of every peak there was not always the spectacular view I was hoping for, but I had to keep going, I could not let the poor hydration or view of one mountain discourage me from taking on the next. I did these things to sustain my life. I think I may have forgotten that sometime between now and then. Even in civilization I endure these hardships in order to sustain my life because I know that at the peak of this mountain I'm climbing it may not be the best view but there will surely be other mountains and more opportunity.

We watch the sunrise
then watch it set
from two coastlines
and then thats it

Nothing sweeter
than nothing much
it makes me realize
the world has touch

I will laugh
more than cry
I will live
more than die

I'm a fool?
Maybe so
but feelings are not rational.

Try to force
it is useless
know that it takes away my soul.

In Anarchy
Where we were
Liberated, happy, toe to toe.

I really do care and it scares me
Phrenology is a false science
And ignorance is dark and bliss
This is a moment that shines

Oh rational mind how I love thee. I did it. I have talked through my problems with an objective point of view. I now realize the importance of making goals for yourself. I've always heard about making goals but for once in my life I tried it. I'm not even worried because all I have to do is get organized. If I constantly remind myself to start fixing the world (my world) then I won't spend so much time being sad in it. Not that I was ever really a sad person overall it's just that now I feel I can deal with it better. This normally is the part of the story where the main character falls off of a cliff or some bs but I know that life is not like the movies. I'm nowhere near as interesting as those main characters so my life will probably only sell a few paper back copies that sit in spinning racks at the cash register of Walgreen's. That's ok though because somebody will read my life and at least think somewhat highly of it. Hell maybe the author will put these thoughts in there and somebody will read it and become inspired. I can't be that sure of myself though. I can only grow and hope...

It's like you come onto this planet with a crayon box. Now you may get the 8 pack, you may get the 16 pack but it's all in what you do with the crayons - the colors - that you're given.

Camping was fun. I was eaten up pretty bad though. I've got so many bites on my body that I actually feel swollen.

Things to do this Summer

1. Go on an adventure somewhere
2. Go on a spirtual adventure
3. Excercise
4. Meet new people
5. Finish reading the stack of books I have borowed
6. Make music
7. Build a computer

... more to come!

Throwing laws and rules set by society out the window because it takes away individuality. Labels set expectations along with limitations. Taking responsibility for ones actions because one freely chose to take the action. Believing that creating personal values instead of following others helps the individual excel in an absurd, brutal, and meaningless world.

I tend to fall in and out of love with cyber communication.
Don't take it personally because it's too damn impersonal to do such a thing.

Love always,
Kidf8

Long ashes to me.

With the gap between the rich and the poor becoming greater and this news recently hitting the headlines I can't help but wonder...

Was George Orwell right?

In his book "1984" and his experience of living amongst the poor he tells a tale about how much power the proles (lower class) could have had if they would open their eyes and unite. The whole reason the proles are left alone to be "free" is because they are to blind to take action. Wynston, the main character, works for the government and is financially well off compared to the proles but he is constantly being watched and the government is very concerned with his actions. There is obvious reason for this as you read on.

There is constant war between an enemy that is never seen and the enemy is never the same from one day to the next. Are we not fighting an enemy that is almost never seen? We don't know where they are or who they are. Similar to the unreasonable yet unquestioned war in "1984."

My next question is: Are we all proles? The gap between middle class and upper class has grown so much that maybe the lower and middle class are starting to become one. We wander about the streets proud to be American, the way a prole would be, regardless of the fact that our freedom is no longer free. It is comical to hear someones enraged reaction to the patriotic quote: "War is peace, freedom is slavery, and ignorance is strength" (taken directly from the book) then those same people will remind me that "freedom isn't free." I can't help but chuckle when faced with such reason.

What do you think of when you here the terms communism or socialism? If one is ignorant they may think of the mislabled dictatorship of Stalin or the phrase Un-american. I bet they didn't realize that Karl Marx was inspired by Utopian ideas which are actually quite pleasant. The media and powers that be put these strange twists on words and denature it's meaning because they know that the proles will not research. The Bush Administration has called the war in Iraq the "liberation of Iraq." We can't just call it for what it is. My own father was scared of Hillary Clinton's ideas based solely on the fact that she wanted "socialized medicine."

Education funds are constantly being cut in favor of arms in America. Well, thats good right we can't have other countries coming in and kicking our ass. Then one will come to the realization that we are the strongest millitary power in the world and yet the last as far as education.

I don't know who to blame for the numerous issues in our country or the world but I do know that we should not accept millions of jobs being eliminated due to the upper class greed. We should not accept this rewarding of bad behavior with the bailout. When you don't pay your bills does the government give you money in hopes that you'll do the right thing regardless of the fact that you have a history of getting into debt you can't pay off?

We should let Wall Street, The Big Three, all the Madoff's in this country fall. Let them retire with their big severance pays, their corporate jets, and three months house arrest for all the lives that are ruined. Let them disappear and put the bailout money in the hands of what decent human beings are left in this world; The people who work hard for very little, the people who's 401k's have been depleted. In the words of John Stewart "I believe we should have a trickle up theory." This was our chance and we blew it. The money is being distributed accordingly as I type and once again the poor will struggle while the rich will sit and wait it out.

My point is I feel like Wynston sometimes and it depresses me a little. I wish I could be a prole but I can't. I won't be slavishly patriotic when I have a mind of my own. I won't feel pressured by my peers to say things I don't mean. With the middle class being pushed further from the rich and ignorance becoming a symbol of strength and patriotism I get sick to my stomach. Why is something like the right to bear arms so damn important when so many other rights have been infringed upon. I suppose I would want to have a gun too when I fear leaving my home due to some terror level that goes up and down just to remind us that they're out there waiting to steal your children and blow them to pieces. This is similar to the same kind of scare tactics we read in history books. Was terrorism something that was this widespread pre 9/11 or is something that has grown due to us feeding right into it's hands?

Things are beginning to fall into place.

-Two surprise parties

-Two exams

-Faulty software to access schoolwork

-Called in fake sick for the first time in three years

-Didn't get to watch but maybe ten minutes of the Superbowl


Now it's Wednesday and it's strangely peaceful.

I need a day to process. Until then...

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7065205277695921912

decide for yourself

...another enjoyable evening. Eric, Abigail, and I went to Bro's Pizza, went for a two second walk and created a portrait of John Lennon out of sticks leaves and the sidewalk. Then we Went to that big empty parking lot by Bright House Fields and went on an exploration through the fields until we decided to go for a walk down the Pinellas Trail. We finished off the evening listening to the youngest Gardner daughter playing sax while I listened to the family gossip from Abigail and Allison. There is something almost peaceful about listening to the Gardner family gab to each other. Maybe it's the lack of my own speech that makes it feel like meditation.

Yesterday we went to see Drum Circle on St. Pete beach (finally) and when we got there everyone was gone already. Instead of wallowing in our sadness we decided to play music from the thunder dome player, longboard through the parking lot, and play a small game of tag.

It's times like this that remind me that I'm alive!

Have you ever had a night that was went so well that the entire next day was winding down from the night before. Its like you lived the whole day for yesterday's sake.